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English Jokes

Nasreddin Hodja suddenly wakes up in the middle of the night.
-"Old woman, get up, quick! I can't find my glasses, where are they?" he asks her.
Sleepy woman asks:
-"Hodja, what are you going to do with your glasses in the middle of the night?
Putting on his glasses frantically, he replies:
-"What do you mean?  I was having a wonderful dream and yet I couldn't make out some parts so I put on my spectacles!"

Child pushing himself next to his grandfather.

-Grandad, will you close your eyes?
-Why should I close them, child?
-Because mummy and daddy said, if grandaddy just closes his eyes, we will be very rich.

A Scotsman who was driving home one night, ran into a car driven by an Englishman. The Scotsman got out of the car to apologize and offered the Englishman a drink from a bottle of whisky. The Englishman was glad to have a drink.
"Go on," said the Scot, "have another drink."
The Englishman drank gratefully. "But don't you want one, too?" he asked the Scotsman. 
"Perhaps," replied the Scotsman, "after the police have gone." 

A: Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?

B: Yes I am, I married the wrong woman. 

"Am I the first man you have ever loved?" he said.

"Of course," she answered "Why do men always ask the same question?". 

A: I'm in a big trouble!

B: Why is that?
A: I saw a mouse in my house!
B: Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap.
A: I don't have one.
B: Well then, buy one.
A: Can't afford one.
B: I can give you mine if you want.
A: That sounds good.
B: All you need to do is just use some cheese in order to make the mouse come to the trap.
A: I don't have any cheese.
B: Okay then, take a piece of bread and put a bit of oil in it and put it in the trap.
A: I don't have oil.
B: Well, then put only a small piece of bread.
A: I don't have bread.
B: Then what is the mouse doing at your house?! 

A man is talking to God.

The man: "God, how long is a million years?"
God: "To me, it's about a minute."
The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me it's a penny."
The man: "God, may I have a penny?"
God: "Wait a minute."

Fred is 32 years old and he is still single. 

One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?" 

Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them." 

His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother." 

A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?" 

With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much." 

The friend said, "Then what's the problem?" 

Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."

Two cows are standing in a field.

One says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?"
The other one says "No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!" 

A guy says to his friend, "Guess how many coins I have in my pocket." 

The friends says, "If I guess right, will you give me one of them?" 
The first guys says, "If you guess right, I'll give you both of them!"

A: What do you call a deer with no eyes? 

B: No idea. (No Eye Deer.)

A: What do you call a dead deer with no eyes? 
B: Still no idea.

The First 3 Years of Marriage

  • In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
  • In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
  • In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Riddles of Alphabet

Q: What letter of the alphabet is an insect? 

A: B. (bee)

Q: What letter is a part of the head? 
A: I. (eye)

Q: What letter is a drink? 
A: T. (tea)

Q: What letter is a body of water? 
A: C. (sea)

Q: What letter is a pronoun like "you"? 
A: The letter " I "

Q: What letter is a vegetable? 
A: P. (pea)

Q: What letter is an exclamation? 
A: O. (oh!)

Q: What letter is a European bird? 
A: J. (Jay)

Q: What letter is looking for causes ? 
A: Y. (why)

Q: What four letters frighten a thief? 
A: O.I.C.U. (Oh I see you!)

Q: What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment but not once in a thousand years? 
A: The letter "m".

Q: Why is the letter "T" like an island ? 
A: Because it is in the middle of waTer.

Q: In what way can the letter "A" help a deaf lady? 
A: It can make "her" "hear.

Q: Which is the loudest vowel? 
A: The letter "I". It is always in the midst of noise

Q: What way are the letter "A" and "noon" alike? 
A: Both of them are in the middle of the "day".

Q: Why is "U" the happiest letter? 
A: Because it is in the middle of "fun".

Q: What word of only three syllables contains 26 letters? 
A: Alphabet = (26 letters)

Q: What relatives are dependent on "you"? 
A: Aunt, uncle, cousin. They all need "U".

Q: What is the end of everything? 
A: The letter "g". 

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